SYN/TAX
A short play
Written and Copyrighted by
Michael Rose
Cast of Characters
ALPHONSE: A gentleman that has read too much Stoppard
BERNARD: A gentleman that has read too much Beckett
Scene
A bare stage, reminiscent of vaudeville
Time
A time, reminiscent of this afternoon
ALPHONSE
Hello, to you!
BERNARD
Hello, from me.
ALPHONSE
Who am I speaking at?
BERNARD
To whom you are speaking?
ALPHONSE
Grammar grammar grammar... Speaking to whom, am I, were I speaking at someone?
BERNARD
Let’s start over. Are you speaking?
ALPHONSE
To whom?
BERNARD
Whomever you are speaking to and/or at.
ALPHONSE
That would be you, would it not?
BERNARD
It would, were I the one to whom you are speaking.
ALPHONSE
And you are, were I speaking, the one to which and/or whom I am speaking to and/or at.
BERNARD
Right.
ALPHONSE
Right. Then if you respond to my speaking at and/or to you...
BERNARD
We will be having a conversation.
ALPHONSE
Correct.
BERNARD
Not “right?”
ALPHONSE
Right also, but moreover, correct.
BERNARD
If by definition, correct is equivalent to right.
ALPHONSE
And left is the antonym.
BERNARD
So left is wrong.
ALPHONSE
But...
BERNARD
Which of your hands is dominant?
ALPHONSE
I’m left handed.
BERNARD
Then you are wrong.
ALPHONSE
So are we having a conversation?
BERNARD
Only under the proper conditions.
ALPHONSE
For instance?
BERNARD
Instantaneously. Now, say I am the one to and/or at whom you are speaking. It would
only be proper to continue speaking until such time as I deem your end of the
conversation worthy of response. But now, seeing as you are left and left is not right and
therefore, wrong, I’m not sure if I deem you worthy to carry on a conversation with and/or
for, and/or near for that matter.
ALPHONSE
You don’t know if it would be proper?
BERNARD
Precisely.
ALPHONSE
But what are the properties of properness?
BERNARD
Property.
ALPHONSE
Prophylactics.
BERNARD
Prophecy.
ALPHONSE
Pinking shears.
(Both are getting rather angry and
speak these as if building to a fight.)
BERNARD
Barracuda.
ALPHONSE
Applesauce.
BERNARD
Truncheon!
ALPHONSE
Placenta!
BERNARD
Lymphatic!
ALPHONSE
Truss-Bridge!
BERNARD
Tracheotomy!
ALPHONSE
Olfactory Nerve!
BERNARD (pausing)
I... er... damn. I concede the point.
ALPHONSE
Now, what were you saying?
BERNARD
Well, you see, it’s all a matter of syntax. The way in which words are put together to form
phrases, clauses, or sentences.
ALPHONSE
Syntax?
BERNARD
Precisely. As you may have noticed, I choose my words very carefully, before they fly
from my lips like so many dipsomaniacal sheep.
ALPHONSE
Syntax. A tax on sin?
BERNARD
If speaking is so.
ALPHONSE
A tax on words?
BERNARD
Thumb tacks are words.
ALPHONSE
Some words are tacky.
BERNARD
Very sharp.
(pause)
Now pay attention.
ALPHONSE
This conversation is preposterous.
BERNARD
Plecostemous?
ALPHONSE
Fishy.
BERNARD
Not so.
ALPHONSE
How so?
BERNARD
How now?
ALPHONSE
Are you insinuating that I am a bovine?
BERNARD
Why do you ask?
ALPHONSE
I think you have a beef with me.
BERNARD
The other red meat?
ALPHONSE
Didn’t we only just?
BERNARD
Just ...?
ALPHONSE
Meet?
BERNARD
I’ve lost track of the conversation again. Let’s start over.
ALPHONSE
But in order to start over, we must first finish the current conversation.
BERNARD
I wasn’t sure we had decided we were having a conversation.
ALPHONSE
Are you sure now?
BERNARD
Surely.
ALPHONSE
Surly.
BERNARD
Unfriendly.
ALPHONSE
Cantankerous.
BERNARD
Irritable.
ALPHONSE
Just plain rude. See, I knew you were angry at me.
BERNARD
Not angry, merely wary of you.
ALPHONSE
Vigilant?
BERNARD
You are a vigilante of words.
ALPHONSE
Defender of syllables.
BERNARD
Guardian of expressions.
ALPHONSE
What were we talking about again?
BERNARD
I’m unsure.
ALPHONSE
Unsane?
BERNARD
Possibly.
ALPHONSE
Probably.
BERNARD
Listen, have we finished this conversation yet? I’m getting sleepy.
ALPHONSE
You can’t leave until we’ve done so, and yet we haven’t even decided if we were indeed
having a conversation in the first place!
BERNARD
How does one define conversation?
ALPHONSE
Conversation is the oral exchange of sentiments, observations, opinions, or ideas.
BERNARD
Were we exchanging any of the above?
ALPHONSE
I believe there were some ideas thrown out, and possibly an observation or two.
BERNARD
I recall nothing.
ALPHONSE
I reclaim control then.
BERNARD
Of this conversation?
ALPHONSE
Exactly.
BERNARD
You can have it. I’m quite finished.
ALPHONSE
But who’s to say we’ve begun? We should vote on it.
BERNARD
I agree.
ALPHONSE
All who believe in the merits of continuing this conversation, as there must be one in
progress, say “aye.”
BERNARD
“Aye.”
ALPHONSE
All opposed?
BERNARD
“Aye.”
ALPHONSE
You can’t vote both sides of the issue!
BERNARD
Then I refuse to vote. Besides that, you didn’t vote at all.
ALPHONSE
I abstain.
BERNARD
The democratic process has been made a mockery of.
ALPHONSE
That’s just typical. Ending before we’ve even begun.
BERNARD
I didn’t mean to end it.
ALPHONSE
Just a means to an end.
BERNARD
You’re mean.
ALPHONSE
Then this must be the end.
BERNARD
Or the start of something new.
ALPHONSE
Would you quit contradicting me?
BERNARD
I regret nothing!
ALPHONSE
That’s regrettable in and of itself.
BERNARD
Who are you to measure it’s regretability?
ALPHONSE
I am an expert on regretlessness...ibility...tude.
BERNARD
I... I... damn.
ALPHONSE
I win, six morphemes to four.
BERNARD
Alas, you’ve beaten me yet again.
ALPHONSE
And I always will.
BERNARD
Willingly.
(ALPHONSE and BERNARD
leave the stage, mumbling all the
while, as the lights fade to...)
BLACKOUT
END OF PLAY