POWDERED EGGS
Written and Copyrighted by
Michael A Rose
Cast of Characters
Antigone: A sweater clad, slightly insecure young woman of about 22. She loves Francis more than anything, but feels emotionally unfulfilled.
Francis: A male, all black-wearing artist type. Loves Antigone but cannot show his feelings.
James: A doorman in his late 30’s.
Diane: Nervous but positive young saleslady. She works for a company selling powdered eggs.”
Scene
Francis’s apartment. There is a bookshelf in the background. Most prominent in the room
is the armchair. There is a small table next to the armchair, holding a book by Kant or
another famous philosopher, and a metal chair rests by the bookshelf, folded up.
Time
Present day.
SETTING: A modest apartment inhabited by FRANCIS, decorated sparsely and darkly. There is a comfortable looking armchair, a small metal folding chair (for guests) and a bookshelf, packed with thick volumes.
AT RISE: (ANTIGONE bursts into the room looking excited and a little out of breath, slamming the door behind her. She stands pressed against the door breathing heavily, admiring FRANCIS, and then slowly creeps her way around the room looking at him from every angle. Coming around to the front of the chair, she rushes up to him and jumps into his lap, throwing her arms around him, as she loudly proclaims:
ANTIGONE
I had a conversation about you this morning with my shrink!
(Giggle, pause, she frowns, stands, walks around back
of the chair as she speaks)
I told her that you were a distant, asinine, selfish, inconsiderate bucket of vomit.
(Pause.)
I told her that you didn’t have a penis.
(Pause.)
I told her I was leaving you and marrying a circus midget.
(edges very close, almost looking into his ear)
Why are you so infernally dense?
FRANCIS
Did you know that three pounds of human body weight is made up of microscopic bugs?
ANTIGONE
What? What are you reading, Francis?
FRANCIS
I didn’t read that in here Antigone. I was just saying…
ANTIGONE
Who the heck “just says” a thing like that?
(pause)
What are you doing Saturday night?
FRANCIS
Committing suicide.
ANTIGONE
What are you doing Friday night?
(pause)
Damn it! All you ever do is sit there in that chair and read those books of yours! I’m sure that if you ever moved there would be a perfectly molded ass-print in it just in the shape of your posterior. We haven’t gone out in ages. You never buy me flowers, you never take me anywhere anymore...
FRANCIS
That’s disturbingly cliché Antigone.
ANTIGONE
Amy! Call me Amy!
FRANCIS
I like calling you Antigone better.
(Finally looking up from his book)
And didn’t I take you to that poetry reading last week? I agree that most of it was trite high school drivel, but it was “somewhere”.
ANTIGONE
But you never show me that you love me Francis.
FRANCIS (momentarily stunned)
Of... of course I love you. I just didn’t think that I had to show it all the time. You seem to be an intelligent person after all and I certainly don’t want to have sex with anyone else, so I thought you just knew...
ANTIGONE (quietly)
How long have we been dating now?
FRANCIS
One year and twenty seven days.
(He goes back to his reading, concentrating once
again only on the book.)
ANTIGONE
And we never discuss the future.
FRANCIS
You mean like flying cars and non-fattening beef byproducts?
ANTIGONE
(Putting her hand on his leg)
I mean... our future. Are we happy? Will we ever move in together? Will you ask me to marry you? Do you want to get married? Will we have children? Plants? An electric can opener?
(FRANCIS grunts. During the following speech, he
slowly drifts off to sleep.)
My shrink told me that I need to lay down the law, so to speak.
(ANTIGONE stands and paces around the room.)
She helped me to realize that you’re being unfair, and that you need to help to take this relationship forward.
(pause)
You know? It takes two people to make a relationship work. Or more if you’re into that sort of thing. Francis? I mean, it’s not that I’m blaming you completely.
(pause)
Francis? What do you think?
(She notices that he’s asleep.)
You bastard.
(ANTIGONE goes out door as Francis continues to
sleep. She comes back with a glass of water. She drinks
a sip of the water, and looks over at Francis. She sighs,
and puts the glass up to her lips again, and stops, getting
an idea. She stands, moves around Francis looking at him
and throws the water into his lap.)
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
(She strikes a pose of triumph. FRANCIS snores again.)
Damn you.
(ANTIGONE leaves through the door once again.)
JAMES (from offstage)
Miss! I can’t just... miss!
(ANTIGONE reenters pulling JAMES along.)
ANTIGONE
I’ve decided to marry the doorman. I hope you’re happy now.
JAMES
Miss, I have to get back to my...
ANTIGONE
Shut up. What’s your name?
JAMES
James ma’am, but I already have a wife, and...
ANTIGONE
(To FRANCIS)
I’ve decided to marry James. You aren’t invited to the wedding, so don’t bother asking.
(To JAMES)
Thin crust pizza or pan?
JAMES
What?
ANTIGONE
Do you like thin crust pizza? Or thick crust pizza?
JAMES
Uh... thin, but...
ANTIGONE
Favorite color?
JAMES
Blue, but ma’am, I...
ANTIGONE
Favorite vegetable?
JAMES
Brussels Sprouts, but I really...
ANTIGONE
I can work with that.
(To FRANCIS)
James and I are going to have two point seven children, and wonderful sex, and you’ll never see me again.
(pause)
I may allow you to buy me lunch once a month at that little coffee shop we like.
JAMES
Now see here madam...
ANTIGONE
But aren’t I attractive? Don’t you find me... pretty?
(JAMES begins to nervously back toward the door)
Don’t I... turn you on?
JAMES
Madam, I really must get back to the door.
ANTIGONE
(looking something like a predatory animal)
I’m intelligent too! I can speak three languages, English, French, and pig latin.
(JAMES backs up against the door)
French is the language of love! Pig Latin is... is... is the language of pigs! Or latins. I’m not sure, anyway, I’m everything a man could want in a woman! Come here!
(ANTIGONE pins JAMES to the door)
JAMES
(Pointing over her shoulder)
Look! He’s woken up!
ANTIGONE
Oh my god! Finally!
JAMES
(JAMES scampers out the door shutting it behind him)
Have a nice day ma’am!
ANTIGONE
Why that little liar. What do I have to do to get some attention around here! I’m a woman. I have needs!
(She crosses behind the armchair, pushes FRANCIS’ head.
FRANCIS slumps to the floor in front of the chair face first,
still sleeping. ANTIGONE sits in the armchair, and picks
up the book from beside the chair. She begins reading. The
lights fade down. Lights come up on almost the same scene as
the beginning of the play, except ANITGONE is now in the
armchair, and Francis is standing with his back to the audience
facing the bookshelf. ANTIGONE has fallen asleep with the book
in her lap, and is lightly snoring.)
FRANCIS
(He turns slowly, looking at ANTIGONE. He walks around
the room just as she did in the first scene, looking at her.)
Antigone?
(He realizes that she is asleep, and gets a strange look on
his face. He leaves the room through the door. We hear the
clanking of a metal bucket from offstage. Francis returns
with a metal bucket held high, and walks over to ANITGONE.
It should be made to look like the bucket is full of water.
He circles the chair, and quickly dumps the contents of the
bucket: confetti [preferably heart shaped] on her, then sets the
bucket down beside the armchair and sits on it looking glumly.)
I love you.
(pause)
FRANCIS (cont.)
Really. Why am I so good at expressing myself with my hands but not with my mouth. Or my heart. Antigone?
(pause)
Damn her.
(There is a knock on the door.)
Come in?
(Enter DIANE. She stops just inside the door.)
DIANE
Hello there sir, I represent a small local company that deals in amazing new products for
the kitchen! I have been authorized by my company to give you a free demonstration of
some of our fine and remarkable products. Do you have the time to…
FRANCIS
Do I have the time to...?
DIANE
Wait... I missed something. Now what was it... oh…
FRANCIS
You missed something? What were you aiming at in the first place?
DIANE
Oh! Oh... er... umm...
FRANCIS
Go on...
DIANE
(Bursting into tears)
I can’t! I can’t! I knew it!
FRANCIS
No no! It’s all right! Uh.... would you like a tissue or something? I think I have a... (rummaging in his pockets, finds a cracker.)
cracker?
DIANE
(without really looking, she takes the cracker from him
and blots at the corners of her eyes)
Thank you.
FRANCIS
Please, have a seat.
(DIANE sits on the overturned bucket)
What on Earth is the matter?
DIANE
(DIANE hands FRANCIS the cracker, which
he looks at and stuffs into his pocket.)
I’m no good at this. It should be so simple. I just come in here, and show you the products, you buy some things, and I earn a living, but what do I do? I come in and make a total fool of myself on my first sale. I’ll go now.
FRANCIS
No no, you’re uh... doing fine. Why don’t you go over there and get your briefcase and show me some of your amazing gadgetry!
DIANE (pouting)
It’s not gadgetry.
FRANCIS
Well, whatever it is, come on... you just go over and get that case, and I’ll be right here waiting for you, okay?
DIANE
You promise?
FRANCIS
Yes.
DIANE
Cross your heart?
FRANCIS
I… sure, why not.
DIANE
OK... well, you see... we have many things... designed to aid the average person in the kitchen.
(sniffles)
For instance, we have this electric doohicky.
(She pulls out a hand mixer)
Now this... um...
FRANCIS
Mixer?
DIANE
Right. This “mixer” has not 10, not 11, but 12 speeds!
FRANCIS (uninterestedly)
Really?
DIANE
Yes! And you also get a free cookbook, and some samples of our convenience foods!
FRANCIS
What sort of convenience foods?
DIANE
Well you get a package of kiwi-strawberry muffin mix. And you get a trial sized sample of our “pizza in a can!”
FRANCIS
Well, you did a fine job, but I uh... don’t think I’m interested.
DIANE (crestfallen)
You aren’t?
FRANCIS
Well no. Not really.
DIANE
(She begins to cry again)
Oh I knew it. I’m not cut out for this sort of thing.
FRANCIS
Oh! Don’t cry! It’s all right! Perhaps... well... do you happen to carry any other items? Cheap ones, perhaps?
DIANE
Well, there’s the new product.
FRANCIS
What might that be?
DIANE (hopefully)
Powdered eggs?
FRANCIS
What?!?
DIANE
Powdered eggs. It’s a powder that comes in a little red box, and you add water to it, and you get a low fat egg substitute. Since it’s a new product, it’s on sale for only $2.99 a box. Would you be interested?
FRANCIS
Well, no.
(DIANE sobs loudly)
Of course!
(ANTIGONE awakens, but remains silent, watching.)
Oh damnation. I left my wallet in the car. Let me run downstairs and get it, and then I will purchase from you, one box of “powdered eggs.”
(FRANCIS exits)
ANTIGONE
Who are you?
DIANE
Oh, hello! I’m a salesperson for a small local company, specializing...
ANTIGONE
That’s enough. I believe I can put the rest together for myself.
(pause)
How did you do it?
DIANE
Do what ma’am?
ANTIGONE
How did you do it? How did you get his attention?
DIANE
I’m afraid I don’t...
ANTIGONE
(irked, pointing to the door)
Him! He! It! Francis! How did you get his attention!?
DIANE
Oh. I guess I was just trying to do what the employee handbook told me to do.
(DIANE proudly thrusts out her chest.)
We’re a team there, you know.
ANTIGONE
I’m sure. Do you love him?
DIANE
W-what?
ANTIGONE
Do you love him?
DIANE
I swear, I just wanted to sell him some Powdered Eggs! That’s all!
ANTIGONE
So you really are a salesperson?
DIANE
Yes’m!
ANTIGONE (Breaking down)
I see. I’m sorry. It’s just that I... I... I try so hard to make him pay attention to me.
DIANE
Oh you poor dear.
(goes to ANTIGONE, comforting her)
Are you all right?
ANTIGONE
I’ll be fine. I didn’t mean to drag you into this. My shrink says I have to take charge of my life, and stop relying on other people to make my decisions for me. I suppose now is a good a time as any to start...
(ANTIGONE is now starting to sob.)
DIANE
No please! Tell me about it, I hate to see people cry!
ANTIGONE
I don’t know, he’s just so distant. He never wants to talk. He just sits there in his stupid chair reading his stupid books.
DIANE
I was in a relationship like that once. He never bought me flowers...
(DIANE begins to sob)
or took me anywhere...
(both girls start crying a little more)
or... or...
(both girls begin to wail uncontrollably, holding each other)
(JAMES enters. With a look of horror at the two ladies
uncontrollably crying, he timidly approaches them.)
JAMES
Uh... anything I can help you with, ladies? Are you OK?
(Both girls stop crying and look at JAMES)
ANTIGONE
Everything is all right James, thank you.
DIANE
Men.
JAMES
What about us maam’?
DIANE
You’re all evil, spiteful creatures.
JAMES
Not all of us maam’, just most.
DIANE
Well most of you then.
ANTIGONE
James... I’m sorry about earlier. I was just a little emotionally imbalanced.
JAMES
Yes... I’ve noticed that seems to be a common theme in this apartment.
ANTIGONE
James, how long have you worked here?
JAMES
Going on 15 years now.
ANTIGONE
In all that time, have you ever seen somebody as inattentive and pig-headed as Francis?
JAMES
Well, I’ve seen a lot of people come and go maam’, and I’ve found that it’s much safer for me if I just mind my own business.
ANTIGONE
He’s so cold and unfeeling sometimes. He pays no attention to me at all, and I never know if he really loves me, or just keeps me around to feed his fragile ego. I love him, but sometimes it’s so hard...
JAMES
(JAMES crosses to her.)
Gosh maam’ I’m not very good with relationships, but that certainly doesn’t sound like the way to treat a lady.
DIANE
You’re darn tootin’.
JAMES
You really should lay down the law. That’s what my shrink says to me when I have difficulty dealing with somebody, she says to me:
ANTIGONE
You’ve got to lay down the law, because it takes two people to move a relationship forward?
JAMES
Yeah! How did you know?
ANTIGONE
I’ll bet you see Dr. Meskowitz!
JAMES
Yes! Well, small world isn’t it?
DIANE
Sharon Meskowitz?
ANTIGONE and JAMES
Yes!
DIANE
She’s my aunt!
ANTIGONE
You’re kidding!
JAMES
It’s a small world…
(FRANCIS enters carrying his wallet, and all three
turn their heads and give him an evil look.)
FRANCIS
Sorry about the delay. I got to my car and there was a...
(notices all others are staring at him)
...police officer writing me a ticket...
(all three start to stand)
...so I explained to him that I was a tenant here... and... hmmm...
(FRANCIS backs out the door, followed by JAMES
and ANTIGONE. DIANE stops.)
DIANE
I’ll be there in a minute! I just have to… sit down for a sec…
(She walks to the armchair and sits down,
picking up the book and begins to read casually.
The lights fade down, then lights come up.
Everything is still in the same position. DIANE is
sleeping in the chair, with the book upon her lap.
FRANCIS enters looking nervously behind him,
and closes the door quietly. He backs slowly into the
room. DIANE wakes and they see each other.)
FRANCIS
You’re still here?
DIANE
Yes I am, and I want to talk to you.
FRANCIS
About what?
DIANE
The way you treat that girl.
FRANCIS
Antigone?
DIANE
Whatever her name is. It sounds like you don’t regard her very highly.
FRANCIS
But... but I do! I just... well...
(He sits down.)
I don’t know.
DIANE
Do you love her?
FRANCIS
Yes, of course I love her, but...
DIANE
But what?
FRANCIS
I don’t know quite how to tell her.
DIANE
You just told me that you love her, why can’t you tell her.
FRANCIS
Did you know that whales can get lice?
DIANE
Don’t change the subject!
FRANCIS
Sorry. When I get nervous I spout random entomological facts.
DIANE
Well, that’s a turn on. When was that last time you told Antigone that you loved her?
FRANCIS
This afternoon actually. I commented that I loved her and then proceeded to tell her why.
DIANE
What were your reasons?
FRANCIS
Well, I believe I mentioned that I wasn’t sexually attracted to anyone besides her, and I also brought up the fact that she’s intelligent. She should know that I love her.
DIANE
Wow, what a romantic. Those are terrible reasons.
FRANCIS
They are?
DIANE
Yes! You need to really tell her! Tell her you love her because she’s beautiful, or because she’s good at cooking shrimp scampi, or that you like the way her hair smells, but don’t tell her you love her just because you don’t feel sexually attracted to anybody else! That is definitely not what a woman needs to hear.
FRANCIS
I’m just not very good at relationships.
DIANE
Nonsense, all you need is some practice.
(Standing up and taking his hands, she helps him
up and grabs his arm leading him around the room.)
Here, pretend I’m Antigone, now tell me what you have to say.
FRANCIS
This seems silly.
DIANE
Just relax and say what you feel.
FRANCIS
All right… I… I… this is so bizarre…
DIANE
Come on, just picture her, and say it. I know you can do it.
(As FRANCIS says the following line, ANTIGONE
and JAMES walk into the room)
FRANCIS
I... love you. I love you. I really love you!
ANTIGONE
F...Francis?
FRANCIS
No! Ack! Antigone! I meant...
ANTIGONE
Oh my God!
(She rushes out of the room, FRANCIS runs after her.
DIANE sits down on the bucket, looking perplexed.
JAMES sits beside her in the armchair.)
DIANE
What an awful mess.
JAMES
Huh?
DIANE
He wasn’t saying those things to me, he was saying them to her!
JAMES
I just work here, maam’.
DIANE
No really, we were practicing. He has trouble relating to people interpersonally.
JAMES (frankly)
He should see Dr. Meskowitz.
DIANE
That’s all well and good for some other time, but right now there are two quirky but lovable characters out in that hallway whose relationship is falling apart, and somebody needs to do something about it here and now.
JAMES
Like I said, maam’, I just work here.
DIANE
Fine, you stay here and be a doorman, but I’m going out there to try and explain this whole situation to those two, and see if I can’t stop this before it gets worse.
(DIANE leaves.)
JAMES
(Looks around humming. Looks at the door a few times.)
Nice folks, but weird.
(He picks up the book and begins to read. Lights fade, lights
come up, JAMES is asleep in the armchair, snoring loudly,
the book on his lap. Enter ANTIGONE, followed by
FRANCIS and DIANE. They all cluster around JAMES,
looking at him.)
FRANCIS
Good lord, did he swallow a chainsaw? Wake up, my good doorman.
JAMES (still half asleep)
Awww... I was having the most wonderful dream. I was the queen of the county fair! They gave me a crown and a bouquet, and a...
(He is now fully awake)
hmmm.... I have to go. Good luck to you folks.
(JAMES quickly exits.)
ANTIGONE
So he was practicing with you? Practicing what? I’m not sure I understand.
DIANE
Well, I should let him explain it to you, but like I said, we have no romantic interest in each other. Really.
FRANCIS
(Pulling three dollars out of his wallet)
Here’s the money for the powdered eggs. I assume the directions are on the box?
DIANE
Yes, you have everything you need!
(Takes the money, gives FRANCIS the box)
Oh I’m so excited! My first sale! They’ll be so proud of me! I can’t believe it! Thanks again!
(DIANE exits. FRANCIS and ANTIGONE both
watch DIANE exit, sigh, and attempt to sit in the
armchair at the same time.)
FRANCIS
Oops.
(FRANCIS lets ANTIGONE have the chair.)
ANTIGONE
Please Francis, explain this to me. What was that woman talking about?
FRANCIS
I love you.
ANTIGONE
You know, my shrink says...
(pause)
What?
FRANCIS
I love you. Antigone... Amy... I love you... I really, honestly love you.
ANTIGONE
You do?
FRANCIS
Yes. I’m... sorry I don’t pay much attention to you. I’ll try harder.
ANTIGONE
Francis... I love you too.
(She stands, they embrace.)
FRANCIS
(Sitting in his armchair)
Well... that’s what we were talking about. She was helping me get over my fear of communication in our relationship.
(FRANCIS begins reading his book. ANTIGONE watches
him sadly, then sits. After a beat, he looks up from his book,
feeling guilty as well as new love for ANTIGONE)
Er... would you like to... I don’t know... get married?
ANTIGONE
(A thoughtful pause)
No.
FRANCIS
Oh.
ANTIGONE
Not yet.
FRANCIS
I see.
ANTIGONE
I would like something to drink, though.
FRANCIS
(He rises, walking toward the kitchen)
Some tea?
ANTIGONE
Yes. That would be nice.
FRANCIS
Amy?
ANTIGONE
Yes?
FRANCIS
I love you.
ANTIGONE
I love you too.
FRANCIS
(Picking up the box)
How about some powdered eggs with your tea?
ANTIGONE
Sure, why not.
(She stands, walks to him, and they exit together.)
BLACKOUT
END OF PLAY