YULETIDE
a play in ten minutes
Written and Copyrighted by
Michael Rose
CHARACTERS
DAD
A “father knows best” type dad, who always has a
lesson to teach, and a reason to laugh and/or read
hardcore porn magazines. Not reasonably sane.
MOM
A “leave it to beaver” type mom, who likes to make
too much food, as long as the items all have a
similar theme. Not reasonably sane either.
KID
The child of MOM and DAD, he spends his days
hoping that some of his sanity will rub off on his
parents. Says “oh Boy!” a lot and tries to remain
enthusiastic despite the circumstances surrounding
his upbringing.
Scene
The
family room of a family.
Time
Early
morning.
SETTING:
Scene opens on a living room at Christmas. There
are decorations up and a tree brimming with lights
and ornaments. Above the mantle are hanging
stockings, with "MOM," "DAD," "KID," and
"GRANDPA" printed on them. It looks to be a
generally happy home.
AT
RISE:
KID is running down the stairs, excited, as it is
Christmas morning. Following him, a few feet
behind, are MOM and DAD, both looking cheerful.
KID
Oh
boy! I love Christmas!
MOM
Well
Dad, should we begin?
DAD
Oh,
I don't see any harm in letting the boy open one present before breakfast.
KID
Can
I really? Oh boy!
(He
crawls under the tree, and retrieves
a
huge present, beautifully wrapped)
Can
I open this one?
MOM
Can
he open the big one, Dad?
DAD
Well,
I don't see any harm in it, Mom. Go ahead Kid.
KID
Oh
boy! Oh boy!
(KID
carefully removes the wrapping
paper
from the present, revealing a
large
cardboard box. He opens it excitedly
revealling
a large dead dog. MOM and
DAD
hold hands and look on lovingly)
Uh...
what is it?
MOM
Why
it's a dog, Kid!
DAD
We
know how much you've been wanting a doggy, Kid, so we decided that this would
make
the perfect Christmas present. We didn't see any harm in it.
KID
Is
it sleeping?
(He
pokes the dead dog with his finger)
DAD
No.
It's dead.
KID
Wh-what?
MOM
Now
if you take good care of this doggy, maybe we'll get you a real live one next
year.
KID
(Moving
the dog's paws, as though it
were
alive, he attempts cheerfulness)
Thank
you. Oh... boy.
DAD
Oh
heck, let's open up our stockings. What do you say, ma?
MOM
Oh,
I don't see any harm in it.
(MOM
and DAD begin laughing
hysterically,
building to all out chaos
and
then, suddenly stop and resume
"normality."
The three retrieve their
stockings,
MOM bringing "Grandpa's.)
KID
Oh
boy! Stockings!
DAD
Stalking?
Stalking who? That's my boy.
KID
No
daddy, I said "stockings." As in: "We, the happy family, are
about to open our
stockings
to see what little treasures of Christmas bliss are held within.
MOM
Sit
down everyone. Who wants to go first?
KID
Oh
boy! Can I go first?
DAD
Now,
Kid, I think it would be nice if we let grandpa go first this year.
KID
Grandpa?
DAD
Grandpa
always gets the short end of the sitck, so I don't see any harm in letting him
go
first.
KID
But...
MOM
Kid,
be pleasant.
(KID
sighs, and the family sits, waiting
for
a extremely long pause.)
KID
Grandpa's
dead.
DAD
Don't
be so vulgar. He's existentially challenged.
MOM
Fine,
if you have so little respect for your grandpa, Kid, you go right ahead and open
your
stocking.
KID
(Reaching
into his stocking, he pulls out
a
small dead rodent. KID shrieks)
What
is it?
DAD
Well,
we didn't see any harm in getting a friend for your little doggy over there. Now
if
you
can take care of this hamster, we'll get you a dead goldfish or two next year.
MOM
Well,
now it's time for breakfast. Come into the kitchen everyone, I made meatloaf,
stewed
prunes, pickled pears, lasagna, sheep dip, brandied figs, figgy pudding, figgy
cookies,
pickled figs, fig-bites, figlets, figs with brandy, and figloaf.
DAD
What
a lovely breakfast. Come on, Kid. Go wash your hands, and then come on
into
the kitchen. After breakfast, we'll let you open some more presents.
KID
Oh
boy!
(pause)
Do
I have to wash my hands?
MOM
Now,
if you don't wash your hands, how do you expect to stay healthy? You could catch
a
cold!
Or worse yet, viral pnumonia! Or the pox, or the clap, or the jitters, or fatal
diarreha,
or lead poisoning, or e-coli, or the Trans-atlantic fever, or scabies, or
shingles,
or
syphillis, or scurvy or congenital fatness, or the black plague, or hemmorhoids,
or brain
lesions,
or choking fits, or athiesm.
KID
But
dad keeps his pirhana in the sink, and--
DAD
Perhaps
if you were nicer to them, they'd be nicer to you, Kid. That's a valuable lesson
to
learn.
“Always wash your pelvis unless beavers come to visit.”
(KID
shuffles off up the stairs into the
bathroom
as MOM leaves for the kitchen
to
retrieve the food. DAD sits in his easy
chair
and pulls out a hardcore porno
magazine
from beneath the cushion and
begins
to read it. Suddenly from upstairs
we
hear running water and then screaming.
The
water shuts off, and KID runs down
the
stairs screaming. His hand now sports
a
bloody bandage, haphazardly wrapped
around
it, which he is holding, in pain.)
KID
Daddy!
Daddy! They bit me! They bit my finger off!
DAD
(Unexcited)
Well...
I suppose there's no harm in talking to them.
(Dad
puts down his porno magazine
non-challantly
and walks upstairs
just
as MOM comes in with a TV
Tray
full of food.)
MOM
Dad?
Where are you headed, sweetheart?
DAD
Well
the fish bit one of the boy's fingers off. I'm going to make sure none
of
them are choking.
MOM
What
a great idea!
(MOM
and DAD laugh hysterically for
a
while, and then suddenly stop, with
DAD
still heading upstairs, and MOM
placing
the food on three plates. KID
sits
in the armchair, and MOM dishes
him
up a large plate of food, giving it to
him.
He begins to eat, as does MOM)
KID
Mom?
Why do you call me kid?
MOM
Because
that's what you are, silly.
KID
But
what's my real name?
MOM
Kid
is your real name.
KID
Oh.
(DAD
comes down the stairs)
DAD
Well,
the fish seem all right. I fed them some raw hamburger and they seem
much
happier. Say, why so glum, Kid?
KID
I
was just thinking about my name.
DAD
Well,
what about it kid?
KID
Why
did you name me kid?
DAD
We
had to decide between Kid, Child, Progeny, Tot, and “Xavier Pickleworship the
Pope
of
Switzerland.” Kid seemed right.
MOM
What
are you worried about, anyway?
KID
The
kids at school make fun of me.
DAD
Did
you try biting them?
KID
Dad!
MOM
Dad,
kids these days don’t bite each other. They shoot each other with AK-47s.
KID
Can
I have an AK-47 for Christmas?
DAD
Maybe
next year.
KID
Could
I ask you a favor?
MOM
Open
your presents first kid.
(KID
opens another box, this one holding
a
dead lobster.)
KID (half-heartedly)
Another
dead animal. Gee, thanks Mom and Dad.
DAD
Uh
oh mom, looks like you wrapped that one too tight.
MOM
That
one was supposed to be alive.
KID
Oh.
DAD
But
let this be a lesson to you. “The squeaky wheel always works out in the
end.”
MOM
That’s
right dear.
(MOM
and DAD laugh hysterically
running
about, as before, and finally
stop,
panting and puffing, resuming
what
they consider normalcy.)
DAD
Now
what kind of favor were you going to ask?
KID
Oh...
it’s just that... I’ve never had a real name before. And I really would like
one, ever
so
much...
(MOM
and DAD look at each other
lovingly,
then snarl, and finally imitate
monkeys.
They turn back to KID.)
MOM
Your
father and I have talked it over, and we decided that we’ll pick you out a new
name.
KID
Really?
DAD
Well,
you’ve been a good lad this year, and good lads get good presents. Let that be
a
lesson
to you. “A penny saved, is one less whale to wash.”
(DAD
goes to his “porn stash” and pulls
out
a copy of the Sears catalog, somewhat
“used.”
He and MOM sit on the couch and
begin
to page through it, looking for names.)
DAD
Let’s
see... do you like “food processor?”
MOM
Or
“queen set - rose?” Rose is a nice name, and with “queen” in front of
it, people will
think
you’re royalty.
KID
Can
you keep looking please? I sure would like a great new name. Oh boy!
DAD
Luggage?
MOM
Wrench
set?
DAD
Tall
2 X L?
MOM
Oooh,
here it is dad! Look at this!
DAD
Why
there’s a name to proud of!
(They show the appliances pages)
MOM
Kenmore!
KID
Kenmore?
DAD
Or
Black and Decker.
KID
Kenmore’s
fine. Oh boy!
DAD
Well
mom, looks like there’s another present under the tree.
MOM
Oooh!
Who’s it for, Dad?
DAD
Why
it says, “To Mom and Dad, with a moderate amount of lukewarm affection,
Kid.”
MOM
Shouldn’t
it say Kenmore?
DAD
Now
mom, the boy was called kid until...
(DAD checks his watch)
...32...
33... 34... 33... 32 seconds ago. He can’t read the future.
MOM
He
can’t read at all!
(MOM and DAD once again
laugh uncontrollably. As they do
this, KID is seen to quietly get up
and walk out of the room with his
coat and a bag. MOM and DAD
continue laughing as they open
the gift together, each fighting
good-naturedly for control of the
package. Finally, they come to
open it, revealing absolutely
nothing. They sit in silence until
the lights come down to a...
(BLACKOUT)